Pirated Love
by Mygayshoes
Summary: "Spoilsports, come on, lighten up. It's not like '16 and pregnant'- she's like 90 years old." Part of the Bekaverse.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Sanctuary.**

**A/N: Beka, is the OC from a fanfiction Author known as Selene14. She has graciously allowed me use of her character, to write these crackfics!**

* * *

As soon as Helen Magnus left the Sanctuary, a hushed silence seemed to fill the complex. Creatures waited with baited breath; nervousness hung in the air. They were all safe, each and everyone at the sanctuary knew that. Magnus may have temporarily left on another 'monster hunt' but the Sanctuary Staff, employees and technicians would protect them, if anything were to occur. Even with their lives. Still, something hung in the air, something that unsettled them all. However, life goes on as normal, and the apprehension they all felt had to be discarded.

But after all...

While the cat's away, the mice will play...

Beka leaned out the third storey window of the Sanctuary, lazily chewing her lip as she watched the sanctuary van disappear into the distance. As soon as it was out of sight, she visibly brightened, whooping and fist pumping in delighted glee. A sharp gasp escaped her lips as she wobbled and fell forwards, a hand grabbing the scruff of her neck, roughing hauling her back inside at the last second.

Wobbling, she fell over dizzily, blinking and cheering up instantly as soon as she saw her saviour. Hauling herself to her feet she grinned.

"Big guy! Thanks buddy – that could have been nasty," She mused on her possible fate for a moment, "And oww-ey."

Suddenly the Bigfoot cuffed the back of her head; she shrieked and jumped forward in surprise.

"What was that for?" She complained loudly, pouting and sulking at him.

"Be careful," The Bigfoot grunted out, looking suspiciously at her, "What are you up to, Beka?"

"Nothing much," Beka shrugged, and then darted backwards, as if afraid he'd cuff her again.

"Too much like Tesla," The Big Guy moved, closing ad shifting the latch, ignoring Beka's grumbled protests.

"Wait. What? Me?" Beka looked horrified at the comparison.

"Too many schemes."

Beka glowered, before smiling sweetly, "Who? Schemes? Me? I'm sure you're mistaken." She reached out a hand to pat his arm, before pulling it back slowly as her survival genes kicked in.

"Too much like Tesla," The Big guy chuckled in amusement, "Be careful."

The Sasquatch turned and moved towards the door, chuckling in his own nefarious-sounding way. Beka stood in silence, inching forwards every few minutes, before darting towards the door. Looking out, she scanned the hallway pleasantly, smiling when she noticed the emptiness.

Skipping back to the middle of the room, she giggled and muttered the words that would forever haunt the minds of all the creatures at the sanctuary. Words that would forever go down in sanctuary lore, horror stories and warning to little children. Words that would forever prove the existence of Murphy's law, and disprove the existence of any sane god.

"This is going to be EPIC!"

* * *

Beka moved stealthily; having donned a pair of black jeans, a white tank top and Henry's yellow gum boots, she mixed in well with the crowd of abnormal's around her. Will was somewhere in the crowd trying to placate them. She'd much prefer it if Henry was the one to stay behind, and let Will go an 'abnormal round up'. But the scruffy tech geek had asked for more experience in the field, and had fixed Magnus with his perfect puppy eyes. Sucker hadn't been able to resist.

But it HAD been easier this way- Henry would have known if she'd set up a distraction to keep him occupied, while Will didn't see the very things in front of him.

_Schmuck._

Creeping down the Hallways of the sanctuary, she flashed a smile to an abnormal that strolled pat, receiving only a suspicious glance in return; she pondered this for a moment.

Why did people automatically assume she was up to no good?

_'Accidentally'_ taking a left-then a right- up two flights of stairs –Oh goodness she was lost!- right-down a flight of stairs-then left, she managed to 'accidentally' find the room she *hadn't* been looking for.

Grabbing the doorhandle, she opened the door warily, a brief victory cheer later and she fell to her knees in agony.

"The- oh dear lord! The STENCH!" Using every last scrap of strength, she slammed the door shut. Panting heavily, heart racing, she sat back against the door, sitting in shocked silence.

"Oh my god!" Beka frowned, "Was that a Grape air freshener?"

Memories of the sickly sweet grape scent filled her nose, her stomach churned in disgust.

Pondering the pickle she had gotten into, she stroked her chin adding a mental note, not for the first time, to buy a thinking beard.

"I'm gonna need supplies..."

* * *

Helen kept her infirmary so clean and tidy, major hospital surgery rooms looked grubby in comparison. Each item had its place, everything was clearly labelled, stored and out of reach of little hands.

In fact, even the infirmary beds, with their white cotton corners all properly and primly tucked, were probably cleaner and healthier than the ones out of a factory brand new.

This presented an easy opportunity to rummage through cabinets to find what she needed.

The only problems were the childproof- and therefore Beka proof- safety locks.

Distrust clearly visible on her face, Beka fumbled with the lock again, through the entire painful process, she couldn't help but mutter spitefully.

"Damn it, twist and hold- wait- come on!"

"I just twisted it! Twist and Hold!"

"Uh, this is so stupid!"

"...Why the hell won't you open?"

"Dammit, Dammit. Oh Crap, Come on OPEN!"

"TWIST AND HOLD!"

"TWIST AND-" Beka blinked in confusion at the chunks of plastic in her hands, "Oh. Oops."

Opening the infirmary cupboards, she rummaged around noisily, ignoring the chink of glass bottles, crink of plastic wrappers and scrapping of cardboard boxes.

"Ah ha!"

Immerging cheerily, she tore open a box, digging out the latex medical gloves. Snapping them on her hands, she nodded. Grabbing a few more pairs she stuffed them in her pockets and tossed the remains back into the cupboard.

Slamming the door close, she blinked.

"Mmm." Glancing at the cupboard, it faintly occurred to her that she could have phased through, "Mhmmm..."

Smiling widely again, she skipped over to Magnus's desk and swiped a post it and a pen.

'Was looking for Narnia. Sorry.'

Sticking it to the front of the cupboard, she turned and instantly frowned as soon as she caught sight of the desk again.

"Awww."

On Magnus' desk was a perfectly good box of gloves.

* * *

It was sunny outside. Sunny, warm and ...sunny. With huge fluffy clouds and a bright blue sky. It looked happy. It was trial number 1.

"No. Must resist." Beka slowly attempted to drag herself past the window. Outside a cloud floated past, in the shape of a bunny eating a leprechaun.

"Ah...it's a pony," Groaning again, she dived towards the curtains, trying to pull them closed in a matrix worthy style. Unfortunately, the fragile curtain rods fell, landing on the Phaser and sending out a plume of dust in a wave similar to a mushroom cloud. Coughing, Beka grappled at the heavy cotton curtains, cursing every few seconds.

"Uh, do you need help Beka?"

The curtains lifted, revealing Will Zimmerman, actually looking concerned at her predicament.

"No. I'm just peachy. You ruined my ghost costume though," She glowered, "How am I supposed to haunt now? Hm?"

"Okay," he held out the curtain uncertainly, wisely deciding not to mention the curtain was bright red and therefore not a suitable ghost costuming colour, "Here you go."

Pursing her lips, she cocked her head sideways as a though occurred to her, "How'd ya know it was me?"

"Henry's boots, curses from the Muppet show and curtains. Yeah. Kinda a giveaway." Will's lip quirked.

"Meh. Wouldn't Henry's Yellow Boots, point to say, I don't know...Henry?"

"My powers of deduction told me-"

"The voices talk to you too, huh?"

"- That since Henry's with Magnus, it couldn't be him, and you're the only person who would willingly wear them-"

"Dude, they have penguins on the side!"

"-And the only one who Henry would willing let somewhere wear."

"Awww. Reckon he like me?" Beka batted her eyelashes playfully.

"Uh," Will seemed nervous, "Define 'like'."

"Damn you and your absurd questiontations of the English-Human language!"

"Wait. What?" Will blinked in confusion.

"Excuse me, Invader Zim, I have a sanctuary to loot and plunder. See ya!"

Beka jumped up, collecting the curtains, and swooped around the corner quickly, a few seconds later she returned, collecting the latex gloves scattered on the ground, and darting back around the corner.

"Maybe I should call Magnus," Beka was concerning, but not a threat, nothing more than an insane goof. "Nah, she's only Beka."

* * *

The lights were off. The room was dark. The metal sheen of the autopsy bed shone like the edge of a knife, the air smelled heavily of industrial strength bleach and the faint smell of butchered flesh.

Beka peered into the room, through the solid cement wall, and crinkled her nose at the smell.

"Eww..." Stepping into the room, she zeroed in on the trashcan in the corner, "Who would leave Doritos in there. Uneaten. It's practically a crime against Dorito-kind."

Beka eyed the bin, and then crinkled her brow in though. Grabbing the trashcan, she pulled the packet of Doritos out, and tipped the remaining rubbish onto the floor. Pulling the trashcan liner out, she waved the bag in the air in victory.

Emptying her pockets, she stashed the rubber gloves inside, before walking back over to the wall she had phased through and patted around blindly for the curtains. As soon as her hands found the moth-eaten cloth, she yanked it through, and decided quickly the curtains were much too heavy for the thin plastic bag. Dropping it on the floor, she stashed the Doritos inside and cackled at such good fortune.

"Mhmh. - Ho-Ho-Ho-it's a sailor's life for me!"

Stretching out her arms, (in a move belonging to her Yoga days) she grinned and pouncing on the locker in the corner. Things went flying through the air as she dug around. The loud thumps would surely bring attention. Whistling a sea shanty she had learned from hacking into Henry's World of Warcraft games, she snapped an air patch over her eye and growled like a pirate.

"Arr me hearties? Plow the deck- No! Swab the deck- Mask the- I need a parrot..."

Beka paused, before shrugging and grabbing a few bandages and eye patches from the boxes and dumping them in her rubbish bin/sack. Rummaging through the locker, her eyes suddenly fixated on a glorious trophy, making her giggle in such wonder.

"There you are my precious..."

Hanging up, covered by a plastic protector, was a single hazmat suit.

* * *

Heavily breathing, bag swung over her shoulder, Beka made like the Grinch. Softly running down the hallways, her former-curtain/cape billowing behind her like something out of a Harry Potter film, her wide eyes scared even the bravest abnormals.

Every so often, she's stop at a door, drop her bag and phase through the door, emerging later with a single white fluffy goose feather pillow or a lamp, or a single show. Her actions were effective, productive, if not wrong on so many levels. Beka bopped along to the sound of her own voice, singing Disney Show tunes loudly, and off key.

William Zimmerman had been enjoying the first few peaceful seconds of his day when the reports started flooding in- missing pillows, stolen shoes, lamps, mysterious thumps and pilfering f supplies. Without having to think, the word Beka came to mind.

Magnus was wrong. The most dangerous abnormals were not safely locked up in the Shoo; she was skipping merrily down the hallway with a sack over her shoulder and a billowing red curtain for a cape.

"Beka?"

The raven haired woman stopped, staring at him with wide innocent eyes, she'd probably known he'd been watching her. Mind reader and all.

"Hiya Will- are you hungry?"

The words threw him off his game, what ever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this.

"Yeah, actually, I kinda missed lunch."

"Oh! You poor thing!" Opening the sack, Beka rifled through, pulling out a packet of Doritos with a smile. Dropping them in his hand she chided him, "Well eat up, Men get cranky when they don't eat. Magnus will kill me if you die from starvation."

Once again, he decided not to add he'd only missed one meal, and that starvation took at least a week or so.

"..She's been eying my skin off for ages. Would I look good as a handbag Will? I think I'm more of a purse, personally."

Ignoring her odd comments, Will nodded graciously at the woman. Even if Beka didn't understand her own actions, he certainly did. Beka Woods never shared her food; she glowered at Henry if he even dared to think about stealing food from her plate. Only Magnus was someone who could, not that her Victorian table Manners would allow her to. If Beka was offering, then this was a sure sign she was finally warming up to him.

"Thank you Beka."

"No probs," her grin grew as he started eating the Nacho Cheese flavoured chips, "hey Will, do we have ay parrots in the sanctuary."

"No, not that I know of," he paused as he chewed and swallowed another handful, "We have that parrot-snake thing down in the shoo, but it's like 5 ft tall, so-"

"Uh, can you go and buy me a parrot Will?" Beka fluttered her eyes again.

A warning light flicked in his head, "Why can't you go and buy one yourself."

"After the great Goldfish massacre of '09, the Pet Shops in Old City refused me entry to any establishment that sells pets." Beka replied in a matter-of-fact voice.

"The What?"

"It's not my fault that Tegeirian, Saraid, Emmee, Daffodil, Analee, Cupcake, Pikachu or Jack-The-Ripper went to the giant fishbowl in the sky!" Beka paused, "Actually, no, I probably should have noticed when Jack-The-Ripper went cannibal."

"You named your goldfish after-"

"My various ex-girlfriends and Pokémon." Beka shrugged, "In my defence, no one should have brought me a fish. I'm not mature enough for a fish, I'm not responsible enough for a fish, I didn't want the fish!"

"What happened?"

"Ever read The Hunger Games?" Beka commented, at Wills nod, she continued, "Well, it went something like that. It was a slaughter, there were these little fishy fins and stuff floating on the top, and one hell of a fat Jack-the-Ripper swimming happily feasting on the scaly-flesh of his dead brethren."

A sudden thought flickered through his mind.

Beka's face darkened.

"Dammit! Why does everyone say that? I AM NOT LIKE TESLA!"

So much for warming up.

* * *

The coast was clear. Beka ninja rolled across the floor, paused, and then looked around in an eerily good impression of a Meerkat. Springing forward, she reached the cutlery draw, stashing all the forks she could get her hands on, on her belt.

"What are you doing Beka?"

Holy-

"Hey! Big Guy!"

"Why are you stealing cutlery?"

Magnus couldn't save her now. This was his turf.

"Uh, I'm going to polish them. For fun."

"Why are you stealing cutlery?" His tone was warning her.

"I love you?"

"Magnus would not like it if I told her."

'Oh noes. No- hey, that was actually a pretty big sentence for- on no. Not the frowny face...'

"Well, uh, you're not going to- I mean. I love you Big Guy!"

His face darkened, his thoughts jumbled.

'Oh god, not the'

"Rebecca."

"No! I didn't mean it! I'll return all the forks, I promise!"

Grabbing a fork from her belt, she held it up with a sad, sorry expression.

"Please Fork-give me?"

There was a silence for a few seconds.

"Go!"

Beka whooped in joy.

"Leave the cutlery."

"Awww. Can't I keep one?"

* * *

Needless to say, the Sasquatch did not let her keep one. He was a meanie like that.

"What's an eight letter word for detective?" She wondered aloud, idly chewing on the corner of her pencil, sitting at a table at Starbucks.

"Sherlock," A voice suddenly answered.

"No shit." Beka paused then swivelled around, "Heey!"

A rather short woman at on the glass table next to her; dressed outrageously in a white toga with a matching white face and body-obviously painted.

"Thanks!" Beka chirped back, "I'm Beka."

"No problem," The woman paused, "I swear I'm a performing artist- a living statue actually," she added at Beka's enquiring look, "I'm Tessa."

People had often told Rebecca Woods that she had an overactive imagination, that light bulbs didn't go 'ding' when you had a good idea (Except sometimes they did, like the time she had convinced Henry to make her a light bulb hat that went 'ding' when she raised her eyebrow. But that Idea had been scrapped when she realized it dinged when she smiled or messed up when she was near the microwave.)

That Pigs couldn't fly (Unless they were super abnormal pigs-(did those even exist? She'd have to ask Magnus) or pigs bitten by radioactive spiders or dumped into vats of toxic waste (aka. Will's room))

And finally, that miracles didn't exist.

"Tessa," Beka chirped back, "Sweet name."

The blonde-ish woman smiled back, "Thanks, is Beka spelt with a C or a K?"

"S'Ok. It's spelt with a K." She paused, "My mother taught me to never talk to strangers."

"Well how are you supposed to make friends then?" Tessa shrugged, "Well, my mother says I'm strang-er than anyone she's ever met."

Beka nodded in sympathy, "My...mom says the same thing- it's always Beka! Why are there cupcakes imbedded in the ceiling!"

Tessa sighed, "Yeah! I get –Tessa! Who super glued the Star wars figurines to the coffee table."

"That should be self-evident."

"I know, right?" Tess shook her head; Beka lifted her garbage bag and curtain over her shoulder and groaned, before dumping it beside the empty chair at Tessa's table.

"I got in trouble for loading Lego porn onto my arch nemesis/shrink's computer," Beka announced, rolling her eyes, "And for leaving opened jars of peanut butter under Henry's bed –he's got a really sensitive nose."

"Crunchy or Smooth?" Tessa interrupted.

"Smooth." Beka answered, Tessa nodded and moved her head as if she finally realized what a stupid question she had asked.

"My brother went mad at me because I borrowed his TV and drew little moustaches a little off centre-right."

"Because that's the target zone for film directors! Brilliant!"

Tessa grinned at the praise, "He whined about not being able to take the Jersey shore seriously with little French moustaches."

"Somehow I don't think it was the moustaches that made him not take it seriously." Beka shrugged, "Can't watch it myself- they slander the good name of Oompa Loompas."

"I thought they had an accident with cheese powder."

"Bonus," Beka leaned back in her chair, "I crashed the set once."

"Really? Why?" Tessa looked curious.

"I went into the food trailers and replaced everything with vegan hotdogs."

"Ah," Tessa nodded knowingly, "I stole a bunch of Edward Cullen cut-outs from numerous cinemas and left them in trees looking into people's houses for a few weeks."

"Oh! You were the Vampburgular!" Beka exclaimed, leaning forwards eagerly, "You're my hero! I think I love you!"

"I got a police warning for that though." Tessa seemed to shrink.

"That's a crime!" Beka called, "That an impeachment of freedom of the pursuit of happiness of something. I didn't say that right did I?"

Tessa shrugged, "What about you Beka?"

"Oh," Beka thought, "A few disturbing the peaces, a drunk and disorderly- I wasn't drunk I swear! Uh, Public indecency- But Ash dared me, so y'know, two for assault- but it was only Nikky so really, who cares? And one for carrying an illegal firearm- but it was only a potato gun."

"Three warnings, two public indecencies, one for impersonating an officer of the law," Tessa sighed, "It was Halloween."

"Police," Beka sighed, crossing her legs "Please Continue."

"Two for driving under the influence- I wasn't drunk, I just couldn't walk the stupid line." Tess muttered hatefully, "Oh! And two disturbing the peaces- and I got arrested for chewing gum in Singapore."

"Haven't tried that."

"Don't, s'no fun."

"Ah." Beka nodded gratefully.

"You made a potato gun?" Tess started curiously.

"Yuppers. I saw it on TV, and my brother Henry, has this sweet lab- like something out of Dexter's Laboratory – or Power Rangers."

"Awesome-sauce, my brother Thomas, has really awesome mad engineer skillz."

"Sweet, so you gots the ninja skillz?"

"Yup. He taught me how to do some wicked bar tricks." Tess confided.

"Wow-ers."

"Uh-huh. Money I got from bar tricks turned into my college fund."

"You're like, my hero." Beka gasped, "What are you studying?"

"Micropaleontology, Paleobiochemistry and Paleoichnology."

"You make my tummy feel funny." Beka replied, batting her eyelashes furiously.

Tessa beamed, "So what's in the sack?"

"Bitterness and Despair." Beka blinked, "latex gloves, eye patches, a hazmat suit, pillows, left shoes, three sticks and a stuffed goldfish."

"Stuffed goldfish?"

"They didn't have parrots- and I'm not allowed to have pets."

"Sweet," Tessa grinned, digging into the front of her Toga quickly, "So, uh. I'm on my coffee break- can I help with this genius master plan."

"I thought you'ld never ask."

* * *

After both being chased away by the waiter (who, rather bitterly, wasn't thrilled about them stealing his forks) they escaped from his furious wrath with three forks and a handful of sugar packets (for purely nutritional reasons.)

Tessa seemed to know SO much about where everything was –while Beka shamefully hid her dependence on the GPS and Henry, (which in her mind were interchangeable terms.)

Slowly, the small blonde slunk around corners, arriving a small odourly challenged store. Squished between two bars, Beka took one look at the store before turning to Tessa smugly, but dramatically.

"Buy me dinner first."

Tessa snickered, and quickly grabbed her arm, sneaking into the adult store. Both women dropped to the ground, ninja rolling across and examining the store expertly. No one seemed to have noticed their entry.

Tessa motioned to the plastic doll in the dusty window.

"I'm gonna grab the wrench, and the air pump- chuck $90 on the counter." Tessa odd smile- quirked at one side reappeared, "It's not technically stealing if we leave money."

Beka gaped at the woman, "Seriously. Buy me dinner first."

Tessa winked, and then seemed to teleport across the room, in the exact moment she blinked. Vaguely she was reminded of a Doctor Who episode she had watched with Henry once.

Standing, Beka reached into her pocket, grabbed the money she'd swiped from Tesla, and placed it on the counter gently. Bolting across the room, Tessa only seconds in front of her, they ran around the corner, to relative safety.

"Is she an Anna? I think she's an Anna?" Tessa held up the inflatable doll in thought.

"Y'know. I think she's a Nikky..."

* * *

After ten minutes with a permanent marker, Nikky had long black hair, eyeliner and gold hoops clipped to her ears. (Which was really only the side of her face)

After making a sacred pilgrimage to the closet costume store, Tessa, Beka and Nikky were standing in the small dressing room, rainbow bandannas around their heads.

Beka blinked, pulling an eye patch from her sack, and snapped it around Nikky's eye.

"Oh! Tessa, you be Trini! I'll be Susannah!"  
"Why can't I be Susannah?"

"Because, obviously I'm Susannah!"

Tessa grumped, "Fine!"

Darting out of the dressing room, Beka's heart plunged, as the thought of Tessa leaving horrified her.

Suddenly the sound of metal hangers on clothing racks were audible, along with the muttered words of an irritable Ancient Greek Goddess Living Statue.

After a few more seconds, the short woman returned, with numerous pieces of clothing piled high on her arms.

"Are we going with 'Pirates of the Caribbean', 'Gwen Stefani-Pirate' or Stereotypical plunderer?"

"Surprise me?"

Tessa beamed, throwing the clothing on the floor, and then digging through them like a rabid wolf. Beka jumped back as clothing went flying, taking refuge outside the dressing room.

Beka waited awkwardly, until a loud, but musical voice called out.

"She's ready!"

Opening the curtains, Beka swore she felt tears build up in her eyes.

Nikky, outfitted in an exact replica of jack Sparrows pirate costume, was just too beautiful.

"She's gorgeous."

Tessa hooked one arm under the dolls own, and sighed in agreement.

"Isn't she just."

Tessa nodded, and then motioned towards the rest of the clothing on the floor.

"That's your. Get dressed!"

"Yes Ma'am!" Beka coyly smiled, "You dressed, Nikky. Are you going to dress me too?"

Tessa rolled her eyes, but the small smile at the corner of her lips seemed promising.

"Y'know, did you see the Giant Blow up Pirate Ship in the window?"

"Will you marry me?"

* * *

"This wasn't what I had in mind." Beka frowned, before grinning broadly and twirling in front of the mirror.

"They ran out of Pirate costumes." Tessa said, "And I love Nikky more than you?"

Beka smoothed out her short green dress, then fixed her elf-hat-elf ear combo.

"I think you just have a pointy ear fetish." Beka sang, slinging her new Santa sack over her shoulder, "I can be Beka- the Pirated movie elf! Arr!"

"You have an eye patch. And a goldfish."

Beka moved the goldfish to a more comfortable position, "Mmm."

Digging through the sack, she pulled out a fork, holding it and one of her long black and white striped sleeves in her hand.

Carefully she used the other hand to pull a rubber band off a nearby wig and phase it through her sleeve, tying off the fork and sleeve.

"Arrg! I'm Edward scissor hands! Rawr! Nom Nom!"

"Ah!" Tessa dramatically fell, "Reckon Edward was once Edward Safety Scissor hands?" The small woman picked herself off the floor, and dug through the nearest costume bin. Legs wiggling in the air, triumphantly she returned with Gold Hoop earrings and a Lightsaber.

Beka squealed giddily, "Gimmee Gimmee!"

Tessa snorted, and handed over her treasure to the bouncing woman who skipped towards the men's rack and pulled off an ammo belt from a nearby GI JOE costume. Clicking it over the short Christmas elf costume, she stuck the Lightsaber through the belt.

"Awesome!" Beka swung the earrings from her long fingers doubtfully, "I've never had my ears pierces before."

There was a loud thump as Tessa fell over, large thick steam punk boots ontop of her, "Seriously?"

Beka darted back, examined the combat boots covered in buckles in awe. Slipping them onto her feet, she examined them in awe, tossing Henry's gumboots back into her sack as an afterthought.

"What?" Beka jumped up and walked a few steps, admiring her newfound footwear, "I went with Henry and Ash when Henry got his wicked bodymod. HE cried. Sort of."

"Henry. Your brother?"

"Yup. He's a geek. And Ash was like my sister. I said like, because if I claim her as a sister, then her mom is my mom...and that's weird. Even though she is like my mom..."

Beka popped the earrings through the cotton of her elf ears.

"Right?"

"It's crooked." Tessa called, as she spotted a pair of giant blue butterfly wings, and pulling the elastic over her arms.

"Ooh Tessa!" Beka jumped up, rummaging through the pockets of a costume and finding a tiara.

"Wear Sailor Moon's tiara!"

Tessa's head popped up from behind a cupboard.

"I found a dark mark tattoo!" She held up her arm as evidence.

"Noo!" Beka slumped to her knees, "I'm Hufflepuff!"

Beka jumped up, smoothing out the creases in her velvet green elf dress, and the black and white cotton shirt she wore underneath, "You know- Slytherins totally kept Hufflepuffs chained in their basements during Book Seve-"

"Oh! I found the inflatable pirate ship!"

Beka sniffed dejectedly, "Why won't you love me?"

* * *

After a quick entrance into the local hardware store, Beka and Tessa emerged with four planks of wood, a bag of nails and four wheels. Nikky waited quietly in the massively awe-inspiring pirate ship as Beka and Tessa attempted to bash in the nails using one of the hammer's they'd brought. Eventually the store clerk ('Bill' as his name tag read) took pity on them and strode out to the car park, offering his services.

"What are you ladies up to?" Bill asked, lip visibly twitching as he studied the Steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi who had Santa's Sack swung over one shoulder, a toy Goldfish on the other and a gothic studded collar around her neck and a particular glint in her eye that told everyone in a mile radius that she shouldn't be holding a hammer.

"Building a frame," The steam punk-elf-pirate-Jedi answered, looking at her partner the Ancient Greek Goddess-Sailor Moon- Crack fairy- Statue, "Duh."

"Why?"

"So we can put our blow-up Pirate Ship on it," The Ancient Greek Goddess- Sailor Moon – Crack Fairy-Statue replied, pointing to the inflatable Pirate Ship which was being guarded by an inflatable Pirate Wrench.

"Her name is Nikky," Steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi replied with a sigh, adjusting her eye patch with a forked hand.

Bill blinked in obvious confusion about the situation. And probably fear, all things considering. He hummed, blinked again, then slumped his shoulders in what appeared to be defeat.

"Okay," Bill examined the mangled wooden frame, "Well, we're going to have to redesign-"

Suddenly, Steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi threw her arms around him, "Thank you Bill!"

Bill blushed beet-red as his eyes found a particularly appealing view.

"So Bill, Will you help us?"

Bill bashfully glanced at the clearly, and utterly beautiful women, who were clearly and utterly insane.

"Uh yeah." Bill agreed. Tough decision. Star trek re-runs in his underwear, with a box of KFC and Dr Pepper, or an adventure with two women who actually seemed to like him.

"Sure, so, uh. What? Do I need a uniform?"

The steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi squealed again, as she bounced. Throwing the Santa sack to the floor, she found an eye patch, similar to the ones she and her partner wore.

Hesitantly taking it from her (half afraid she'd injure him while forcing it on) he snapped it around his face, feeling odd as darkness overtook one of his eyes.

"As for costume," Steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi replied, savouring each word.

'So hot,' Bill thought dreamily.

"Do you have a Star Trek Uniform?"

"Original, New Trek or Reboot?" Bill demanded in return.

* * *

As it turned out, Bill owned over 59 full Star Trek costume. Beka and Tessa stared in wonder, shock and slight concern, at all the rows of strange costumes.

"What's this?" Beka picked a costume, pinching it between her fingers- as if worried it'll infect her with its weirdness.

"It's a Vulcan garb, an exact replica of Spock's own in The-"

"No, I know that," Beka sighed, "Whales and all, but what is it?"

"Vulcan's are space elves," Tessa piped up, enthusiastically sorting through the costumes, picking one out at random.

"Why do you have an Orion slave girl costume?"

"May I suggest this one," Bill's voice became squeakier than it had been before, "It's a Star Fleet Engineering Uniform- if I pair it with my Vulcan Ears, and I've been told I resemble Vorik from Star Trek Voyager."

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"I really-"

"No." Beka responded pointedly, eying Bill's thin blonde hair and pasty skin, "And No."

"I have an Andorian-"

"No."

"He could be a Bynar," Tessa offered, pulling out the corresponding costume, "He's short enough."

"Bynars are a twin specie- they only appear in pairs-"

"Solomon, Star Trek SCE."

Bill blinked, "You're good."

"Thank you," Tessa bashfully replied, a red colour appeared across her painted white cheeks.

"So, uh, moving on," Beka announced, glancing between the two oddly. Already she was getting a creepy feeling at the back of her neck.

Sitting perched on the edge of Bill's couch, she had a slightly burnt box filled with poptarts, holding a half eaten one in her hand.

Throwing the entire poptarts in her mouth, she jumped off, hugging the box to her chest. No one dared steal one from Beka- whose eyes narrowly glanced at them predatorily.

"Why is the box burnt?"

Beka chewed furiously before she spoke.

"Duh. Bill here only has a two poptarts capacity toaster. I want four. So I chucked the box in the oven." Picking out another Poptart she chomped down on it and closed her eyes as she charged into the closet.

After a few seconds of rustling, she returned holding up a costume proudly.

"Found one."

* * *

A Steam punk-Elf-Pirate-Jedi, An Ancient Greek Goddess- Sailor Moon – Crack Fairy-Statue and a Klingon wearing glitter converse and an eye patch walked- no- wheeled into the carpool lane in a blow-up pirate ship with a blow-up pirate doll duck tapped to the 'mast'. The people watching the procession, complete with rattling tin cans connected to the ship with string, were still waiting for the punch line.

'Well', Beka thought as she listened to their thoughts, 'I'd like to hear the punch line'

"Where are we going, Captain!" Bill growled out in what beak assumed was supposed to be a Klingon-ish way.

"No."

"Wha-"

"No." Beka paused, "Just no."

"I don't-"

"Dude!" Beka flapped her arms, "Klingon's do not speak!"

"You watch Star Trek?" Bill's looked dazed.

"Stargate pawns your Trek."

"LAND HO!"

Beka glanced towards Tessa curiously, "Land Ho? We're going to have to re-think that..."

Tessa checked the side of the boat, "Uh, I don't think the motor can survive much longer..."

"We just refilled the tank!"

"No, I mean that 2 people weighing about 50-ish kg, and one who weighs about 90-ish kg" Tessa looked at Bill again, "Make that 95- plus the three kg weight of the boat is about-"

"198kg."

"Yes, thankyou Bill."

"My name isn't Bill. It's Korgh."

"Bill-"

"Korgh!"

"Bill-"

"Korgh!"

"Bill-"

"KORGH!"

"BEKA!" Beka interrupted waving her arms frantically. With a glare towards the pasty pale man, she started speaking again. "So, your point, Tessa."

"198kg, pulled by a lawnmower engine- which usually is pulled by a person, with a 10kg frame- Bill-"

"Korgh!"

"Bill-"

"KORGH!"

"BILL-"

"Oh for- SHUT IT!" Beka huffed, crossing her arms, "Children honestly."

"Right- so BILL-" Tessa emphasised his name, causing the man to glower.

Beka pressed her finger to her lips, "Shhhhh..."

"Ok, now Tessa."

"Look, I have no idea how Bill wired it up, but the thing has been coughing and splattering for a while now."

As if to prove their point, the motor burst, sending plumes of smoke into the air.

Beka was suddenly grateful for the 7-5 workday.

"So, uh, wanna get some lunch?"

Tessa bobbled her head, "Sure! I'm vegetarian, though, so-"

"Mee too!"

They glanced towards Bill, who stared back incrediabously.

"Dude. I'm Klingon...""We could go to the Veggie Snack bar near Elphium Road," Tessa paused, "The German one."

"With the playground!" Beka chanted in excitement, "And the supercools curly fries! And supersucky straws!"

"Yeah, what's it called?"

"Das Veggie Bar." Beka looked around, "I was given a 50% share of the place as a Christmas present by Helen..."

"Seriously? She must be loaded!"

"With Britishness and Loneliness."

"British stupid dental hygiene of British hot?"

"British hot, duh."

"Uh," Tessa looked thoughtful, "We've got a problem."

"What's that?"

"Well,, you see, das Veggie bar is still eleven blocks north and three blocks west."

"I know." Beka's grin grew.

"We don't have an engine anymore."

"Don't we?" Beka's grin tripled in size.

Tessa suddenly seemed to understand, her smile matched Beka's eerily.

"Bill!" they trilled.

"KORGH!"

oooOoooOoooOoooOoooOooo

"Oh my God! Farewell Cake!" Beka squealed waving her arms wildly, Tessa lunged with her, grabbing the back of the taller woman's dress. Beka continued to flail, a look of confusion covered her face as if she couldn't understand why she wasn't getting closer to the cake.

"Dude, this is Hallowed ground, show some respect."

Staring at the extra-crispy remains of Das Veggie Bar, Beka shrugged.

"Y'know, I haven't eaten for like, three hours..."

Tessa sighed, ignoring the other woman.

"Who could have done such a thing..."  
"Good question." Beka piped quickly, "OFFICER! OFFICER!" Waving her arms even crazier than before, she caught the attention of a nearby police officer. Tall, broad shouldered, in a fresh crisp uniform, he didn't look too pleased by this interruption.

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you-"

"Is anyone hurt?" Beka's eyes grew large, as she forced tears to her eyes. The obvious fear in her voice seemed to unnerve the officer.

"I-Sara and I were going to, oh! We were here for a birthday party. For a five year old girl. In a wheelchair. With a seeing eye dog." Beka's pathetic voice made the officer relax; obviously he must have seen something in her eyes that made him soften.

"No ma'am, the premises had been locked all night, and hadn't been opened yet-"

"Oh Thank you officer! Bless your kind soul!" Beka cried joyfully, suddenly sniffling "It's just- if anyone had gotten hurt..."

"It's understandable," He smiled showing off his perfectly straight white teeth, "It's such a terrible tragedy when a member of our community resorts to arson."

Smiling flirtatiously, Beka continued, "Thank you Officer-"

"Treyton. Jonathon Treyton." He cockily replied, shifting his body posture. Beka glanced at him oddly, with an expression clearly reading 'Dude? Seriously?' before smiling again as he continued.

"I'll be off duty in ten minutes, would you like to get a cup of coffee and discuss this further Miss-"

"Tegan." She paused for a second, "Tegan Freelander. I'll meet you over by the water fountain in ten minutes then. Is that ok Jonathon?"

"Perfectly." Something seemed to have lodged in his throat, "There's nothing more we can do until the Owners get here anyway."

"Goodbye then, Johnny." Blowing a kiss towards him, she made a motion towards the remaining rubble, "Back to work then, handsome."

As soon as the man had moved far enough away, Bill interrupted, clearly grumpy about the turn of events, "What was that for?"

"Needed Information."

"If you owned this place, why didn't you just say you were an owner?"

"I couldn't do that," Beka frowned, "Man, haven't you heard of Deodorant?"

"I'm a Klingon! We don't take bubble baths!" Bill squeaked nervously, ignoring the mumbled 'sure' from both Beka and Tessa, "And why couldn't you tell you that you own this-"

"Buddy, Eight years of Tax Evasion." Beka shrugged, "Come on, We'll go to Burger King or something..."

* * *

"Hey Bill-"

"Korgh!"

"Bill-"

"KORGH!"

"BILL!-"

"KORGH!"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!"

Tessa and Bill fell silent.

A few seconds passed.

"So, Bill-"

"KORGH!"

"THAT"S IT!" Beka snapped, before widening her eyes and hurriedly covering Nikky's 'ears' with her hands, turning the Doll away from the two.

"I don't want Nikky to see this," She fretfully voiced, "So, I swear, if you two don't play nice, then I'll make you walk the plank, you- you. YOU RABBLE ROUSER SHENANIGANIZERS!"

"Hey!" Bill squeaked, "She started it. I have a right to be called Korgh if I so choose to! It's my legal name!"

There was a long pause.

"No. Your name is Bill." Beka replied in confusion.

"Seriously?" Tessa blinked, "Hey Bill, what is your name?"

"I was born John Jacob Jingle Himmerschmit the second."

Tessa and Beka fought to keep a straight face, but soon the snickers escaped from their mouths, followed by a thump as both hit the floor of the pirate ship in laughter. Nikky went flying across the ship floor.

Bill studied the hysterical women on the floor of the uncomfortable plastic ship sourly.

"Hey, have you ever met someone called- hey, wait a minute" Tessa sat up, "The second?"

"It's NOT funny, my entire childhood was hell!" He indigently replied, "Every day, my dad would say 'John Jacob Jingle Himmerschmit- that's my name too!"

Beka and Tessa slowly glanced at each other, suddenly exploding into another chorus of laughter, Bill growing more and more indigent and annoyed.

"We're really, really sorry." Tessa cleared her throat, "Please. Continue."

"Anyway, I was born John Jacob Jingle Himmerschmit, the second."

Beka and Tessa snicked, Bill glowered at them.

"Sorry."

"Yeah. We love you anyway."

"As you can see, my name couldn't have been worse."

"You could have been called Meredith!"

A glower silenced Beka.

"Sorry, just sayin..."

"During my childhood. Children were cruel." Bill paced, hand behind his back, "They tormented me with that stupid rhyme-"

"John Jacob Jingle Himmerschmit, His name is my name too! Whenever I go out, the people always shout-"

"I know! Stop that." Bill snapped, stopping the musical duo from continuing, "It's stuck in my head, playing over and over. Torturing me!"

"Wow. That sucks." Beka patted his back awkwardly.

"Thank you," Bill whispered, obviously pleased by the attention, "So, as time went on. I was drawn to Star Trek. I longed for a place where it didn't matter who you were, everyone was treated equally and kindly."

"Yeah, I was horrific in high school," Tessa shifted, "Thick black glasses, frizzy hair, the worst acne..."

"I was homeschooled..." Beka trailed off uncomfortably, "Besides, I was always this supermegafoxyawesomehot."

Tessa and Bill rolled their eyes, both with looks that read 'why did I bother?'

"Star Trek offered a refuge, a safe place, a-"

"Wide array of scantily clad alien women-"

"-sense of acceptance." Bill frowned at Beka.

"Your point, Bill."

"As soon as I was 18, I decided I wanted to Honour the thing that got me through those dark, dark times-"

"Oh, is that what that shrine was in the corner of your closet?"

"So, I changed my name."

"To what- James B Kirk?"

"James T Kirk, and no, Beka, I found a celestial connection to my brothers-"

"The Klingon's?"

"Indeed." Bill sighed, "I felt an unexplainable longing, to be back in the land of my kin-"

"So you just wanted to sock em?" Beka paused, "The John Jacob Jingle kids. Tormentors."

"So, Korgh, what did you decide to call yourself?" Tessa asked politely.

Bill looked at Tessa strangely, "You called me Korgh..."

"Uh, wow. Do I need to break out the spray bottle?" An odd possessive tone in Beka voice made Bill flinch away slightly.

"I had my name changed to William Korgh Jean-Luc Roddenberry-Kirk." He paused, "My boss calls me Bill because he feels that it is a more professional name..."

"So, there was alcohol involved. Right?"

"Don't laugh Beka, it's a grand name."

Bill and Tessa exchanged another soppy look, slowly, Beka covered Nikky's eyes.

"Oh my- Korgh-Bill. You're obsessed!"

"I LIKE Korgh's name!" Tessa glowered, before sighing, "Besides, I have a confession to make. My last name is Coile."

"So," Beka blinked.

"You-I," Tessa hesitated, "My first name is Tesla."

"Don't look at me. I'm just Rebecca Woods."

It took a few seconds for the words to finally hit home.

"HOLY- Was everything a lie?"

"Beka-"

"I LOVED YOU! And you betrayed me! How could you!"

"Beka-" Tess soothed, "Helen is a friend of mine, and she asked me to keep an eye on you-"

Beka hugged Nikky tightly to her; lip quivering violently.

"Helen bribed you to keep an eye on me?"

"No! Never! It's not so bad, see, she knows Today is National Pirate Day- and that you've had it marked on your calendar for the past eight months-"

"I loved you Tesla Coile. Now goodbye!" Beka picked herself up off the ground, eyes spilling liquid down her cheeks, "I hope you, Tesla Coile, and William Korgh Jean-Luc Roddenberry-Kirk, have a bunch of children named Worf, B'Lanna and K'Ehlar."

Scooping Nikky into her arms, she swung herself onto the edge of the boat.

"Wait-Beka- Will I ever see you again?"

Beka paused, "No. I think not."

"What about Nikky?"

Beka stroked Nikky's hair protectively.

"No. She's my daughter; I'll never expose her to this world till she's older. But I'll never let you near her!"

"She's got a right to know where she came from!"

"SHE WAS MADE IN SERBIA!"

Tessa gasped, flinching as if hurt. Maybe she was.

"You told me she was made in China. You lied to me-"

"THAT MAKES TWO OF US!" Beka cried, leaping off the boat, "We'll always have Starbucks!"

"NO! BEKA!" Tessa cried, stopping as Bill grabbed her arm, "Let her go, Tesla, she needs time."

"I'll never find her again, Korgh..."

"Please," Korgh smiled, "Call me Bill, everyone does."

When Will Zimmerman found Beka again, she was huddled under Magnus's desk, looking like a costume store had thrown up on her; a life-sized doll pressed into her side, a dozen boxes of cookies scattered around her.

"Beka," His voice was low, soft, non-threatening, "Are you ok?"

"No." Beka sniffed, "Tesla broke my heart."

"I thought you guys had some definite chemistry going on," Will replied with a smile, "I was sure you guys were going to be perfect together."

"I know, right? We were perfect, ying and...Ying. A complete set. A match made in heaven. Then William came along." Beka glowered, snapping the cookie she held in her hands cleanly in half, " A total nerd, stole the heart of my Tesla!"

Will's mouth fell open. Holy- Tesla had feeling for him? Tesla had emotions beside Smugness, arrogance and sarcasm?

"So much for Huggybear," Will muttered then shivered.

"I loved Tess, and now this?" Beka chewed on the remains of her cookie, sobbing between bites.

For a second Will wondered if he should stop her before she choked.

"We met in Starbucks."

"Starbucks?" Will asked curiously, "What was Tesla doing there?"

"Coffee Break," Beka sniffed, "I wondered 'what's an eight litter word for detective?'"

"Sherlock." Will answered automatically, Beka sobbed.

"That's what Tess said!"

"Beka," Will held out his arms, "Do you need a hug?"

"No. I'm fine." Beka hurriedly replied, " I'm cool."

Will nodded indulgently, laying a hand on hers in comfort.

Casually, she used that hand to reach for a cookie.

"I loved Tess- still do. So much." Beka laughed, "But Tess loved William."

"I'm sorry. I had no idea." He confessed.

"How could you?" Beka asked curiously, "What am I going to do about Nikky?"

"Nikky?" Will prompted in confusion.

"Our child." Beka smiled.

"Your and Tesla's child?" Will gapped, as thoughts ran wildly through his head, "Have you told Magnus yet?"

"No, why?"

Eying the empty boxes of cookies around Beka, as well as Beka's hunched over position, obviously sub-consciously protecting her stomach, he made a decision.

"I think you should talk about this with Magnus." Will chose his words carefully, even though his thoughts were roughly 'Holy S***, W*F, Holy ***** **** **."

"Have you told Tesla about...Little Nikky?"

Beka cocked her head in bafflement.

"Tesla knows. I mean, we had an hour discussion on the appropriate outfit to dress her in."

Will glowered, "Where's Tesla now?"

"I don't know! I don't know! I didn't get Tess's number of address or anything! What have I done?" Beka cried.

"Tesla did this. While knowing about Nikky?"

"Yes-"

"I'm going to kill-"

"Look, Will," Beka backed out from under the table with the last box of cookies pressed to her bust, "That's...sweet, but I just need to be alone. Ok?"

"Yeah. That's understandable."

Slowly Beka stood her glum heartbroken expression so radically different from the joyful glee she had worn this morning.

"Bye. Don't Tell Henry I lost his gumboots in a random gutter."

The door swung shut behind her.

* * *

Helen Magnus was not having a good day. First she had received a phone call from Tessa Coile, an abnormal she had known for many years. The woman, hysterical, had babbled about Beka for over ten minutes before announcing she and 'Korgh' were going to Vegas to be married by a Klingon Priest. Next she had answered a rather furious, and colourful call from her usually sweet docile protégé who had passionately (and rather incoherently) demanded Tesla to be found, dragged kicking and screaming to the nearest Sanctuary where he would be strapped to the nearest table and carted down into the Shoo.

(The words Decapitation, chainsaw, live autopsy and self-cannibalism were mentioned, as well as a very sadistic mention of 'let's see how much pleasure he feels when we stab the mains electricity through his chest.')

It had taken over 40 minutes of soothing words she usually reserved for little children until the twenty-five year old decided to calm down- and even then his tense, angry words seemed imminent to turn into another tirade. The only time she had ever heard such angry words was when the swanky, obnoxious vampire himself spoke of Thomas Edison.

Eventually Will was sufficiently calm to explain what had happened to anger him so.

If Will didn't Kill Tesla, she'd damn sure do it first.

Glowing and clutching the steering wheel of her car until her knuckled went white; she tersely passed the phone to Henry. He quickly gasped and filled in Kate who snicked and brought out her own phone, apparently logging on Facebook, (or Twitter or Tumblr, or MySpace or whatever new fangled communication system she was currently using.)

Glowering, she could faintly hear Henry's low growl, as the wolf inside him responded to this intrusion into his pack.

"Hey, so baby Beka," Kate announced, "I say we call the kid Tiger. Anyone else with me?"

An uncomfortable silence sat like thick fog.

"Spoilsports, come on, lighten up. It's not like '16 and pregnant'- she's like 90 years old."

"How about Forest Woods-"

"Tiger Woods! How much cooler can you get than-"

"Enough!" Magnus replied, sternly, "This isn't a joke. This discussion is over."

Henry and Kate exchanged looks.

"Ten bucks it's a boy."

"Twenty on Burrito." Henry added "Girl likes to eat."

"Henry. Kate."

Somehow both felt like the little children having been caught sneaking cookies from the Jar.

"Sorry Magnus."

"Sorry."

* * *

Beka munched on the last pack of cookies somewhat happily. The Sasquatch had *actually* smiled at her (as scary as it was) and had allowed her to pilfer the cutlery draw at will.

Several people she knew that she had borrowed pillows or shoes from (and had left in the Santa sack on the pirate ship along with the rest of her little treasures) had actually smiled at her, instead of trying to hit her or yell at her like they usually did. Weird.

She hoped the Big Guy wouldn't smile at her again. It was scarier than John Druitt asking you over for a party. Or Helen Magnus *asking* you to clean up your room.

*shiver*

Beka warily sipped her strawberry milkshake from her supercool twisty-twisty sippy straw, from her pacman cup.

Merrily she swung her steampunk boot covered feet back and forth, before standing and smiling as Big Guy cleaned the table and collected her empty cup before her feet even hit the floor.

"Uh, thanks Big Guy."

"No problem," He grunted back, "Need more? Shouldn't try to do anything moving."

"Uh," She paused, "Nope, I'm good."

"Very well," The Sasquatch moved away, but not before smiling again.

'He's trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Right?' Her thoughts flickered, as she smiled back.

Slowly, she walked to the door, grabbing the doorframe, and swinging herself into the hallway. Suddenly her phone beeped.

'OMG U 2 OK?'

Biting on her lip at Kate's facebook message, she sent one back quickly.

'Good. Y?'

She didn't have to wait long, until Kate sent another message back.

'Vamps here Sanc. Helen want 2 Talk 2 him. BC Beka!'

Grinning at this wonderful new development she gleefully rushed down the hallway.

"Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?"

* * *

Nikola Tesla was not a student of the Human Psyche. In fact, it could even be said that he lacked any form of social grace, understanding and niceties. The word 'social' itself was not generally used in a positive connection to his name. But in any case he was a smart man, just not smart enough when faced with a homicidal Helen Magnus on a warpath.

"Helen! Well this is a surprise," He announced as he strolled into the sanctuary casually, "I've been starting to notice an increase in the invitations to your wonderful house. Really Helen, am I sensing a slight feeling of affection towards me?"

"You bloody arrogant Bastard."

Tesla blinked in confusion.

"Well, this isn't exactly the welcome I had in mind..."

"You son of a-" Kate leapt forward, gun pointed at his head.

"Oh dear Helen, please restrain the Amazonian warrior. The intelligent adults need to talk." He added the later at Kate's furious face.

"Oh- I'm going to put this bullet through you Vlad, then I'm going to sell your corpse to Joss Whedon."

"Helen?"

"I'm inclined to agree with her."

"I'm starting to notice some hostility here, Helen. I assure you, whatever you think I did," he smirked, "I probably didn't."

"You mean you're just arrogant enough to believe that we don't know what you've been up to," Will crossed his arms and glowered at the smirking vampire.

"Is that so, Huggybear?"

Will's eyes flew open, "Well Tesla, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. "

Tesla grinned, "See Helen, I'm truly a good influence on the children."

"Oh bite me!" Kate snapped.

"Is that an invitation?" Tesla blinked innocently.

Kate seemed to enter the same creeped out Trance as Will.

"So, why have you invited me here at such short notice," Tesla continued, "Have you finally reconsidered my offer to become Queen?"

Helen rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Usually, you're quite the stick in the mud," Tesla flashed a smile, "You called me here so quickly, I hardly had time to dress- I kept thinking- Casual flirty, Romantic or Buisness..."

"You ignorant child," Helen's voice was low and dangerous; "Don't you even know what you've done to Beka?"

"Beka?" He spoke the name with surprise, "Helen, quite frankly, I find it offensive that you blame me for any bumps, bruises or 'booboo's' that Beka is affected by."

Kate cocked her gun.

"Now, come on Helen. Be reasonable. I've been in Vancouver for the past eight weeks, what exactly am I being given a death sentence for?"

"I hardly think a single round will cause damage to anything more than your pride." Helen muttered.

"Ah, the advantages of Vampire biology."

"Woh! Magnus! You can't kill him! Think of Beka!"

"Hello to you Tiny Tim, Do I get a Welcome Hug? I was starting to think that the Sanctuary had done away with their menfolk altogether," Nikola smirked, "Then again..."

A silence fell over them, broken only by Will and Henry's splattered response to the attack on their manhood.

"Am I missing something?" Nikola inquired airily.

"A heart." Snapped Kate, snapping the safety on her gun off.

"Ouch." Tesla pressed his hand to his heart with a look of great pain, "But you are correct, I gave my heart to Helen- and she tore it up, placed it under her heel and laughed-"He wiped away an imaginary tear.

"Wow," Kate muttered dryly, "Now go make like Romeo."

Tesla rolled his eyes, "I am feeling this slight tension in the air. If anyone would care to fill me in...?"

"What have you done to Beka?"

"Nothing." He frowned, "Why?"

Kate's finger moved to the trigger.

"Helen!"

"Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you, you bloodsucking parasite!"

"I don't know what Helen's been teaching you, but I do not drink Human Blood. I made that vow long ago."

"Wait." Magnus frowned, "You truthfully haven't done anything to Beka?"

"If you are so worried about that little mental patient of yours, why haven't you had her locked up in your basement?

Helen gave him a withering look as he smirked again, "Don't worry Helen, I won't judge..."

"NIKOLA!" Helen snapped, before softening her gaze, "You haven't even talked to Beka lately?"

"Well I seem to have forgotten to get her Tumblr account," Nikola replied, "My twitter account is 'Nikola Tesla, King' if anyone is interested."

"Oh." Helen frowned.

"You always looked so beautiful when thinking," Nikola voiced.

Ignoring the subtle dig, she turned to Will, who lounged next to Kate, both suspiciously staring down the spiky haired nuisance.

"Will, what did Beka say, exactly?"

"Not much," He shrugged, "She said Tesla broke her heart."

Nikola laughed.

"She said she didn't understand that they were perfect together. And that he was stolen away by William- me." Will continued nervously.

Tesla snorted, "Huggybear, I had no idea-"

He opened his arms and stepped forward, a smirk still on his face.

Will flinched back automatically.

"Nikola! Enough," Helen's eyes narrowed, "This is crossing the line."

Tesla sighed, "Oh Huggybear. I'll wait for you. The closet can't be a very comfortable place-"

"While we'd all love to hear about your gay love for Will," Henry interrupted, "Beka's coming down the stairs. With a box of Cookies and a blow-up doll."

"Oh dear Lord," Helen sighed, "I didn't think it was this bad."

"Oh and Will," Henry glanced at Will, "You'ld make a cute couple."

Kate snorted and grinned at Henry with something akin to respect.

"Thanks Henry," Will responded dryly, "That's all I wanted to know."

"No problem. We accept everybody here," Henry grinned, "Imagine how kinky-"

"-with the 'bite me' and all," Kate interrupted.

"-and the 'you suck'," Henry added.

"-True love never dies," Kate smirked.

"-Body glitter?"

"You have such a dirty mind," Kate winked back, "So it isn't just Space Invaders and Blackjack on your computer."

"Can we please change the subject," Will called, looking both embarrassed and creeped out.

"Now Huggybear," Nikola drawled, "Don't be afraid to take notes."

"Honestly," Helen frowned, "You have no idea why Beka is upset?"

"Over my devilish good looks perhaps," He couldn't help but add, "I'm still insulted that Everytime Beka throws a Temper tantrum, I'm automatically held responsible."

"So what evil schemes have you been up to in, Vancouver, is it?"

"Ah, Ms Freelander, nothing but pure humanitaristic reasons."

"You're feeding the poor?" Kate asked sweetly.

"Of course," He looked mock-sad, "It just breaks your heart to see such things affecting such wonderful people."

Kate's gun flicked back again.

"TESLA!" A thin shadow bounced into the room, Henry yelped as it whacked his hip and almost knocked him to the floor.

Tesla cringed as Beka wrapped her arms around him.

"TESLA! You're back! Never ever ever leave again. It's so boring here alone!" Tesla struggled before resigning himself to the fact that Beka was deceptively strong.

"Helen, it occurs to me that Beka is bursting with radiance, joy and love." Nikola's tone was part patronising, part smug.

"Beka," Helen spoke, "Are you pregnant."

Beka froze with an odd expression, as she patted her stomach with her hand, and looked back at Magnus slowly.

"I had a Burrito for Breakfast." Beka blinked, "Was that a fat joke?"

"Beka, I'm not joking. I need a truthful answer."

"I'm being truthful. No bun in the oven. I'm sorry I ate your burrito. It looked nommy."

Slowly everyone looked at Will who held up his hands in defense, "Woh! What about Little Nikky- and how you love Tesla?"

Beka beamed, diving across the room, making Henry yelp again, returning a second later with Nikky under her arm.

"This is Nikky."

"She's a blow-up doll." Kate deadpanned.

"Told you." Henry muttered.

Beka bit her lip, "Will, I do love Tesla. Big things come in small packages."

Henry and Kate snickered.

"If you are insinuating that Beka and I-" Nikola started

"EWWWW!" Beka's eyes flew open, panic written on her face.

"Eww! Ewww! Eww! Eww! Eww!" She glared at Will.

"What part of 'I'm gay," Don't you understand?"

"But you said that you love Tesla!"

"I DO!"

"But-"

"Beka, are you referring to Tesla Anna Coile?" Helen asked carefully.

Beka sighed dreamily, "So beautiful,"

There was a pause as Beka glowering with anger, malice and hate. Magnus looked shocked as it was directed at her.

"You have Tesla babysit me!" Beka looked betrayed, "Who is she?"

"She's a Rorrim." Helen confessed. Beka burst into tears.

"Oh Beka," Kate patted her back awkwardly.

"The Rorrim were given as Brides in ancient Cultures. They're almost always female and they take on the characteristics of those around them, and they made the characteristics stronger" Henry muttered to Will, "Put them in a room of accountants they're boring and accountant-y, and they make everyone more boring and accountant-y. Put them in a room of College Frat Boys, they're the life of the party, and suddenly the cops will be showing up because the party is sure to be the wildest you've ever been to."

"Beka," Helen tried again, stepping closer to the tall willowy woman.

"NO!" Beka sobbed "YOU'RE DEAD TO ME! DEAD!"

Beka stomped out, before pausing and staring at Kate.

"Nikola Tesla," She emphasised, "Cannot spawn. 1. He's Tesla. 2. He's celibate."

As Beka left, she could hear the combined snickers of Will, Kate and Henry.

* * *

Three hours later, Helen Magnus finally found Beka, curled up inside the Nubbins cage, with eight boxes of Oreos, three tubs of ice-cream, and a ladle. Tapping on the glass, Beka glowered at Helen spitefully.

"Y'know. I hate you. So go ruin someone else's life."

"Beka, I honestly didn't mean for any of this to happen." She soothed, "I gave instructions to keep a distance from you, I suspect your own insatiable curiosity was stronger than I assumed, and it affected Tessa."

"I don't care." Beka stuck the ladle into the banana ice-cream with more force than necessary and shoved it in her mouth.

"Beka. Maybe we can-"  
"What? Fix this? Hate to break it to you, but Tessa and Korgh-Bill whatever. Are going to Vegas. To be married. By a Klingon Priest. To be married. And are going to have a bunch of kids called Worf, B'Lanna and K'Ehlar!"

"Beka."

"Helen! She's gone! It can't be undone. What's done is done. Let me die, and let the nubbins eat me. At least some good will come of me then."

"Oh Beka," Helen sighed, "I was going to say let's talk- we haven't really had the chance in these past few years. How are you?"

"I don't know," Beka wiped her eyes with her sleeves, "Not good. Sad. Depressed. I can't think properly anymore."

"Beka, It will get better." Helen placed her hand on the glass, "Just hang on, in there."

"Who was it Helen," Beka sniffed, "Someone said I had the touch of Midas. Everything I touch turns to Gold, and eventually I starve, because you have to touch food."

Beka wiped her eyes again, "That's not the bad part. Tessa was a Rorrim. A mirror of me- doesn't that make me just like her? Because I don't want to be so self-absorbed, not to notice someone loves me. I don't want to marry an obsessed Star Trekkie- Trekker, whatever."

"Beka, The Rorrim, aren't exact replicas, they just borrow strong traits in someone, tell me about Tessa."

Beka sniffled, "She was kind, and funny, and adventurous, and exciting and wonderful."

"Those are all qualities of yourself."

"So?"

"Beka. I believe that there is someone for everyone in this world," Helen smiled, "Just hang on."

Beka wiped her eyes, thumping her ladle back into the ice-cream, "Even me?"

"Undoubtedly, whether they're male or female, human or abnormal, as long as you're happy, they're right for you."

"What If I don't recover?" Beka picked up the ladle again, picking up more ice-cream, "I don't know. I can feel this knife going into my heart, and-"

"Beka," Helen's tone was firm, "This won't last forever. Do you honestly believe this is the end?"

"I'm being silly aren't I?" Beka grimaced, "This is just a stupid crush afterall."

Beka laughed hollowly.

"I should stop." The sentence was spoken softly, withdrawn.

"Stop what exactly? Being yourself." Helen demanded, "Don't you dare."

Beka smiled tightly, "Thankyou Helen."

"Good, now Beka. Would you mind getting out of there? You've turned the temperature gauge up into the perfect range for nubbin mating-"

"Ah, Sure," Gathering up her supples, she phased through the wall, as Helen adjusted the temperature.

"Would you like company- or are you sick of me?" Beka Spoke, using her shoulder to wipe away the last few tears.

"I've always got a door open in case you need to talk Beka," Helen lyed her hand on Beka's shoulder, "If I do recall, last week you made a passionate speech on how you weren't going to date for the next thirty years."

"What do you think I am? A nun?" Beka paused, "When your love lets you go, you only want love more."Beka smiled "Even when love wasn't what you were looking for."

"Poetic," Helen noted, "So Beka, how have you been?"

"Better," Beka smiled happily, "I'm going to sign up on a Dating Site and go and Find Henry's gumboots. I lost them. Don't Tell. Shh."

"This isn't exactly what I had in mind, don't you youngsters go clubbing?"

"Dude, I'm 90. Somehow I don't think Speed dating or clubbing is my thing," Beka brightened, "But I'll try!"

"See, things get better," Helen smiled, "But maybe you shouldn't be eating Ice-cream."

Beka bobbled her head, "I'm gonna need a wingman..."

Helen's smile turned nervous, "Beka you're lactose Intolerant." Helen sighed as she discarded that idea, "You're going to Bribe Kate, aren't you."

"No comment."

An odd hush fell over the two as they started making their way down the corridor.

"Helen," Beka asked curiously, "When you said that they're someone for everyone. That includes Nikola Tesla, Right?

"No comment.

* * *

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